Dear aunties and uncles,
I have come to say goodbye because I have decided to go off to a better place today.
Somewhere where I can eat as much beef as I want, with no big dogs to bully me and plenty of small dogs for me to tease, where I have perfect eyesight and plenty of fluffy white towels for me to roll and rub upon
I will miss all of you very much and I will be sad that I can't share anymore gossip on the Chow family bimbo and bozo with everyone.
Cuddles and licks,
Junior
After giving my M a bloody scratch on her leg and chewing thru the niece's beaded bag, the bozo got himself into deeper poo by nipping the niece on the nose on Sunday night. Geez! Talk about pure stupidity....
Good thing only the skin was broken and there were no blood...otherwise I am sure he will be skinned alived by the M. That is not too bad an idea actually...at least I will get a warm rug to lie on at night.
nor any other parts attached to said hand as a matter of fact. Young pups these days should have this rule firmly etched in their brains...(if not, I can always volunteer to hump it into them)....so anyways...the dingbat is in deep poo at the moment with my M because he left a deep bloody scratch and bruises on my M's thigh in his eagerness to play.
He has also chewed thru the MM's little niece's precious beaded bag and also ate up one of my M's trio of precious japanese paper-mâché eggs and destroyed the other egg. It is a good thing he didn't eat up the last egg as well or else he would have been in even deeper poo.
The MM's sister and family are in town at the moment and I am pretty glad that they are visiting because there are now more people around to distract the dingbat instead of just me and the useless sibling. I suppose I am getting a little too old to be keeping the house safe from young canine pups these days so I am leaving that job to the two young visiting human male pups. From the looks of it, they are doing a pretty good job too because the dingbat is constantly distracted when they are around and have no energy left to disturb me. Not that it meant that this set of old bones could get any rest though because I am now constantly petted and hugged by the human pups.
I guess pups everywhere are all the same, canine or otherwise....
My M told me that Mas Selamat, the terrorist, had escaped from from the Whitley Rd Detention Centre in Singapore in Feb and has never been seen ever since. The Chow household has a terrorist too and I wonder why he hasn't escape yet and set me free from my misery. Really...I will pretend to look away if he ever slips out of the gate. I will even unlock the gate for him...if I knew how to do that. Sigh.
Anyway, the dingbat Cookie has been with us for close to 4 months now and I still think he has appalling manners. My M and MM hired a doggy instructor to came by once every weekend to torture home school him but that master of deceit puts on a goody 2 shoes face when the instructor was around and then revert back to a demon when he is not here. Seriously, how else would one explain his pretend dis-interest in me when they tried to use me as bait during the class and then the constant jumping and slobbering of saliva all over me after the class is over? Appalling I tell you!
There is this one strange thing that I noticed from the torture home school sessions though. Whenever my M, MM or doggy instructor holds this little black box in their hands, the dingbat becomes an angel. They can command him to sit, come and heel without having to resort to agitated shouts of "No, NOOO, NOOOOO!!!" like before. They can even make him jump in surprise without being anywhere near him at all. Cooool!
Hmm....I think I should attempt to steal that black box away from my M and MM. After my unsuccessful attempts at humping Cookie into submission, perhaps now I can command him to fetch me treats and snacks from the kitchen. Now how wonderful that would be huh!
Everyone have excuses on why they stop blogging over the festive seasons. Christmas comes and then barely a week later, its New Year and so more parties and social events to attend. We dogs obviously have no such excuses. Our owners do all the party planning and all we have to do is to just sit around the house, look pretty and try not to pee on the guests or hump their legs to death.
This year I do have a legitimate excuse for my long break from blogging. The Chow family welcome a new terrorheadache member into their folds and me and the bimbotic sibling suddenly had another new sibling in law, Bozo Cookie. The current terror of the house is a husky and collie mix. Black and white with blue eyes and seriously big. I mean this guy is like more than twice our sizes! The MM says he is a hansome lad. I think my MM must be gay if he seriously think so.
Anyhow, since I am *cough* used to be the only male in the house, I had to teach the newcomer his place in the family hierarchy. I decide to start by humping Cookie to death *oops* half death during the first week of his arrival. My M was, understandably, very mortified at my actions as I got so carried away with my plans to dominate the new lad that I even did it in front of the family guests. On hindsight, it was probably was an oversight on my part to publicly humiliate him because everyone proceed to label me as gay. -.- Seriously, people...the correct term to use is teaching the pup his place in the packing order! Geesh..the kind of work I have to do in this household. Tsk! The plan to show Cookie his proper place didn't eventually work because he realised that he is much bigger in size compared to me. Urrgh!
So, while I was hard at working teaching Cookie his proper place, the bimbotic sibling was hiding in the bedrooms upstairs and refusing to come down to the living room. Grrrr! That coward!!
I have recently discovered a novel way to annoy the hell out of my M.
When she is on the john, reading her book while taking a dump, I shall calmly saunter in, rub myself all over her legs and demand her undivided attention.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....
I have news from a very reliable source that my M secretly taped a video of me sleeping. Worse still, she circulated it on the internet. Haiz. When you have a M like I do, its no wonder I age and grow old before my time. For the record, I am blaming my cataract on her. She makes my eyeballs boil.
Because of her, I have now lost all vestiges of respectability and mind you, I have alot to begin with too. Now, I wouldn't have been so mad if the video was tastefully made and of superior quality. Afterall, notoriety is also a form of fame but the stupid woman had tape me with her mobile phone. That puny little thing that she couldn't even hold steady in hands. The sound quality was bad. I almost couldn't recognise my own excellent deep timbre of a voice. There was also that pesky matter of the MM's voice masking my symphony at one stage. Spoils the entire thing I tell you and don't even get me started on that background muzak of that silly dvd that they were watching. The picture quality was even worse. It was so fuzzy that I thought I was viewing some c-grade sex pron. Plus, did anyone noticed how the video just plain made me look like I was born without eyes?? Oh and what's with all that spasmingtwitching shaking of her hands? I highly suspect my M has Parkinson's disease. Geez.
Anyway, I think she must be feeling great remorse at her own misdeed because she bribed me with two spoonfuls of home-made mango ice cream this evening. Obviously, it won't ever be enough to compensate for that terrible terrible injustice she inflicted on me but its a good start. A few more spoonfuls of that delectable ice cream and perhaps a slice or two of the cakes she has been making recently (Note to my M: No chocolate ok. You know we canines can't take chocolate so don't bake stuff that I can't begged for...) might me forgive her just that teeny teeny bit.
So.....since that infamous video is already up on the internet, I might as well post it up here as well. That way, I have an official record to balance the scales a little when I pee where I am not supposed to.
I used to suspect my M is evil because she tempt me with cakes but she won't let me eat them. Now, I KNOW for a fact that she is evil.
This morning as usual, I followed my M out of the room when she left to go to work but you know me, I have cataract in both eyes and can't really see that well these days so I banged my head against the door. Instead of comforting and cuddling me and asking if I was in any pain, the evil woman laughed at me!!!! She actually stood there and laugh for a good one minute!
I think I will go fart in her face and pee on her bed....
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